by James Glaser
August 16, 2004

On August 5th I wrote a column titled "Still Crazy," about the long term effect combat has on some Marines. The column was picked up by Intervention Magazine and several newspapers.

I received over two dozen e-mails from women who are married or in long term relationships with combat veterans and these women wanted to know how they could assure their man that they were there for them. Many asked, "How can I reach him?"

This is such a hard question especially because I am on the other side too. I took some time and thought about how Charmaine helped me and now that she is dead, what a vacuum that leaves.

Everyone has problems with past experiences. Veterans tend to think that their traumas are greater than anyone else's. Charmaine grew up on an Indian Reservation and was put into foster care when she was about nine years old. She never told me all that happened to her, but over the years I got bits and pieces.

When ever we saw a news report on some child getting abused or something about a women getting beat by her spouse, Charmaine would have the same type of reaction that seeing something about war or kids getting killed, had on me.

Almost from the start of our relationship, she was there for me and if I woke screaming from some bad dream or I got that sick feeling filled with fear for some unknown reason, she would hold me. She didn't need to say anything, she just held me and that physical contact would calm me down.

Sometimes I would do the same for her. I never thought her trauma was any less than mine and she felt the same. Sometimes she wanted to talk, other times I did, and all either of us could do for the other was listen.

If that is what you are doing for the one you love who is having problems, they know you are their for them. Maybe they can't say it, maybe they are afraid they will break down and cry. It took me over twenty years before I could.

Charmaine could cry if she was alone and when I caught her at it, I did too. Not because I was hurting, but because it hurt me to see her hurting. She taught me what a release those tears can really be.

Maybe you will never know if you are "reaching " that man you love, maybe he will never be able to tell you how much you mean to him, but if he does, it is worth the wait. About twelve years ago Charmaine and I sat down, right across from each other and we put into words how much each of us was helping the other and it really made us one.

For the last three years Charmaine knew, and I knew, she was dying. She wasn't worried about her death, but rather she was worried about me. She was preparing me, so that I could handle not having her around. She did a good job, but not really good enough.

Let me tell you from my experience. If you have been there for your veteran and you have stuck by him, he knows it. He might not be able to show it, but nothing is better, no counseling, no PTSD Program, no drug is better than a women who loves you unconditionally.