Women—North and South
by James Glaser
July 30, 2010

You can tell by this title that I am going to get into trouble, no matter what I say. An intelligent man would keep his thoughts to himself on this subject, but nobody ever said I was that intelligent.

Where to start? I could kind of dance around the subject and say only nice things about the women of both regions, but then I'm a guy, and guys don't usually think things through all that thoroughly. We just kind of start talking, and then wonder why the people (women) are mad at us.

Now, I'm not going to say anything nasty or mean about any women. Heck I have fallen in love with women from both regions. Well, to be precise, I have fallen in love with only one woman from the South. Man, I can see I am getting into trouble here already.

OK, jumping right into it. Women in the North are a bit more hard-edged and assertive than the women in the South. Women in the South are softer, but are harder to read. That softness hides what they are thinking. Northern women hide nothing, and if you don't know what they are thinking, you are probably deaf, or you are watching the Vikings football game. In the South, your only viable excuse is that there was a NASCAR race on TV, and you couldn't hear them.

Women in the North can and do talk really loud, and some of them pack a mean punch. Women in the South are quiet, but that is probably because they are plotting their revenge. Those Southern women can get back at you when you least expect it. At least that is what I have been told by other men who have fallen in love with what must be the wrong Southern woman. Of course the woman I fell in love with has no thoughts of revenge ever. Well, maybe she does if I get ahead in a game of cards, but the transformation that takes place in her when she is losing at cards is amazing—that's another article though.

I might as well tell you, some things about Northern and Southern women are the same. It doesn't matter where the woman is from, when you are in a big store walking side by side, and suddenly she tells you to go on ahead and she will catch up as you are passing a "Clearance" table or rack of any kind, you know checkout is going to take a while longer.

Oh, and be aware that even before you go shopping, it doesn't matter where your woman is from, if you start to walk out the door in your favorite jeans and shirt, you are going to get, "that look." If you have any brains at all, and if you want the rest of the day to go well, you had better turn around and change into something she bought especially for you. There is a very good chance none of your friends will see you in the stores she picks out anyway, and if they do, they too will probably be wearing something their woman picked out.

Here is another thing that might happen to you no matter where your woman comes from. Now I'm not saying this happens to me, but other guys have told this to me and I'm just putting it out there as an example of how women are the same no matter what region of the country they come from.

Remember, I have no first hand knowledge of this. You are out shopping with the woman you love, and they know you love them, because there are a million other things you could be doing, but you would rather be with them... Right? So, you are walking along in some mall, and she sees a friend from church or bowling or somebody she met at her cousin's daughter's baby shower seven years ago, and they start talking. First it is about their children and their life stories since the last they met, and then if they have grandchildren the photos come out, and then they are on to mutual friends, and then they introduce you. If you are really lucky, this happens near a bench or the food court.

You ever wonder why they don't have tool stores in Malls? I have, and I think they would be a hit, and if they had bleachers out front with a large screen TV, guys would be happy to go shopping.

Oh yeah, here is a difference between Northern and Southern women. Women in the North are having their hair done almost weekly, but women in the South work on the other end and have pedicures. There is something like one million Vietnamese working in America today, and I think over half of them are doing pedicures for the women of the South. I don't know who did them before the Vietnamese got here.

One thing that really surprised me about Southern women is that they use tanning salons almost as much as Northern women do. By the way, do you know why Florida tanning places are called California Tanning Salon? I'm just asking. They also sell California oranges in Florida supermarkets. Go figure.

Women in the North bake hot dishes, while women in the South make sweet tea. Women in the North have longer hair, while women in the South wear less clothing. Southern women drive faster... I guess because there is no ice on the roads down here. Northern women know how to rock a car back and forth to get unstuck. Remember, these are just general observations. I'm not talking about any one woman in particular. (That's called a disclaimer.)

Ahem... It's just lucky for me that I have the best of both worlds. Wanda lived in Alaska for over ten years, so she picked up the good things of Northern women and kept all the good things about Southern women. My dad would say, "You might have got out of something with that last line." I sure hope so.

Post Script:

I've missed a couple columns these past two days. I am moving tools into my new studio, and it has been hot, really hot. It was over a hundred again today, and by the time the day is done, so am I. I'll try writing early mornings next week. Remember, hydrate.

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